Sunday Sermon: “The Holiday Song (for atheists)”

Inspired by Adam Sandler’s wonderful song(s) about famous people who are Jewish, and by a couple lists of  atheists who are famous, I thought I’d borrow Sandler’s melody and write an alternate version for atheists. I don’t have an introduction like Sandler does (we atheists don’t even get “8 crazy nights”), but I think it’s not too bad for roughly half an afternoon’s work (UPDATE: I’ve added an intro and changed one of the couplets).

Note: When the second word in a line has the first letter bolded, that means it’s supposed to be on the downbeat, with the other word coming before it (i.e. a pickup note).

The Holiday Song (for atheists)

Hanukkah and Christmas, they both have lots of gifts
Ramadan has fasting, so it’s slimming for your hips
Pagans honor Solstice, with the sun’s emerging phase,
But having no gods doesn’t mean you can’t have holidays …

Lance Armstrong doesn’t pray to Jesus,
He’s atheist like Sheryl Crow, his ex-main squeeze, is,
Lots of authors don’t believe in the Virgin Mary,
Studs Terkel, Salman Rushdie, Florence King and Dave Barry,

Are there any deities? Musicians answer no,
Bob Geldof, Billy Joel and Barry Manilow,
Is there a hell? Some may answer yes, but,
If hell has open fires, they’ll be roasting Vic Chesnutt,

If you’re an atheist, no need to feel odd,
Lots of famous people don’t believe in any gods,

Put on your scarlet “A” to celebrate the holiday
There’s no hell to pay, so celebrate the holiday
God’s dead, and it’s OK, to celebrate the holiday
Allah is MIA, so celebrate the holiday

We know ’bout DNA, how everybody’s got some,
Thanks to non-believers Francis Crick and James Watson,
Penn & Teller, Mitchell & Webb, and yes, Fry and Laurie,
Even Brad and Angelina think the Bible’s just a story,

We’ve got lots of actors on the atheist roster,
Jack Nicholson, John Malkovich, Diane Keaton and Jodie Foster,
Guess who won’t be singing “Gloria in Excelsis,”
Kevin Bacon’s an atheist — so everybody else is!

Don’t feel out of place this holiday season,
Lots of famous people worship nothing — but reason,

Put on your scarlet “A” to celebrate the holiday
There’s no hell to pay, so celebrate the holiday
God’s dead, and it’s OK, to celebrate the holiday
Allah is MIA, so celebrate the holiday

(Oops, turns out it’s already been done — this version by Don Davis of SatiricalPolitical.com ranges from really clever to kind of awkward, IMO)